Sacrifices & Gains: Making the Big Choices

Something I really appreciate about my boss is not only his extreme generosity, but also because he is straight forward. He does not beat around the bush and he does not try to play the usual employer games that only make workers feel minimalized. He also lets me know when we need to have “real talk” time so we don’t waste each other’s time with formalities or pretend to be just chatting.

My boss gives me far too much credit, he always states I am far smarter than my position and my hard work in squandered in my current position. He’s been talking to me about going back to school for a while now. We hung out this weekend and we had a “real talk” about it.

Ultimately my boss wants to leave to start his own company that is similar to this one. My boss is good friends with the partner, but even he admits some of the partner’s dealings are shady at best. My boss also has a different vision because he wants an attorney-based model where the company I currently work at is non-legal negotiator & attorney based. In all honesty, a lot of time and money is lost on the negotiators, but they get to have first dibs on clients until the clients are sued for their debts. An all attorney-model has a lot of potential for lower lawsuit rates and less disgruntled clients.

My boss also has a realistic plan and time frame for this new company, which surprised me. He has told me for a long time that no matter what happens, I will always have a place wherever he works. Just in this situation, I could be making more than twice the wage if I had a law degree. I could be making at least a quarter of a million dollars annually at his start-up company.

I can’t even fathom what it is like to have that kind of money. Especially for a kid that grew up below the poverty line, there is a lot I could do with that kind of money. Help out my family. Buy a home. Vacation. Money in the bank.

It’s just… I never wanted to be a lawyer.

I ended up in the legal field entirely as a fluke. I started out doing data entry for a law firm in college and eventually became a manager of the legal assistants. I hated the people I worked for so searched for any job out of desperation and my current job was desperately in need of someone with a legal background because they had someone walk out.

And now I am here.

I know none of us ever quite ended up where we want or thought we would be. I can promise you that basically no child fantasizes about being a business accounts manager for a national law firm.

Knowing When to Let It Go

I really only have myself to blame in this situation. I should’ve said no, I should’ve gone home, I should’ve done anything besides agree to meet up with CPA again.

I will also start off that CPA is not a bad guy. We just bring out the worst in each other, which is never a good sign. While I do care about CPA, I knew our relationship was getting unhealthy. We were basically oil and water that we were trying to force together to make it work, but we are too different.

However, when CPA wanted to meet up to discuss how things ended, I knew I couldn’t say no.

It started off casual… And awkward, of course. As always, CPA relaxed once he had a few drinks in him. However, the issue was once he got more drinks in him, he just gets mean. He thinks belitting me is a way to show he cares, even though it only feels like he is picking on me.

He saw some friends at the bar he knew so we chatted them for a bit. I was just grateful for the distraction from being his punching bag. He kept drinking though and he just got worst. His friends were also getting intoxicated and CPA viewed them as his drunken audience to put me up on a podium as the wicked witch.

At this point I was done. I remembered exactly why I broke things off and why I had no interest in talking to him again. I was trying not to be rude to his friends, but I got onto my phone to get a taxi through Uber. I guess a friend made a comment to CPA about this and that was moment that broke the dam wide open.

CPA snapped, like I had never quite seen him.

He slammed my phone down on the bar and began screaming in my face. Name calling, slut shaming, and all.

Now I am normally fairly calm, no matter what CPA does. While arguments are inevitable, I do not believe that yelling or personal attacks should ever be a part of any dispute. We are adults and mature, supposedly. However, I was fed up with him and I had the type of work week where I came home every day crying because of stress. So I was at my limit as well.

I screamed back. I utilized profanity. I insulted. I threw my drink at him and walked out without even saying good bye to a soul.

I waited until I was wandering alone on the street full of merry strangers to cry. CPA came out, begging to walk me home. I was done though. I didn’t even want the cab, I just wanted to get home. I refused to let CPA anywhere near me. When I began walking away, he tried pushing me back against the bar window. While we had fought before, we had never gotten physical.

I began screaming and threatening to call the cops if he ever dared touch me like that again. He tried shushing me as people began to turn their heads towards the scene. I pushed him off and walked off. I did not want to wait around for things to get worse.

Whenever I mention this to anyone that has interacted with CPA, they are always surprised. CPA comes off as a genuinely nice guy. The shy, slightly social awkward, skinny, nerdy kid that is a hopeless romantic couldn’t possibly be capable of such things. As great as he is though, he has a nasty temper to rival it. I think people are slightly surprised because people tend to coin me as the “tough scraper” so I am usually at automatic fault in most people’s eye.

I know I am not so great at this whole “relationship” thing. I also know I should’ve just let it be with CPA. It’s disappointing because I never wanted to hate him. We definitely had our differences, but he had definitely treated me the best up until this point. Now he’s just another tainted memory.

Drunk-Me Does Not Appreciate Name Calling

Since I am German, it should be no surprise that this Sunday was a prideful victory. I arrived to the pub two hours early in my Reus jersey to scout out a prime table for the World Cup viewing. My boss, who has a lot of money riding on the game that I also stood to gain from [He knows nothing about FIFA, just likes gambling so I picked out his knock out bracket], and two of my friends joined me.

When Gotze finally got the first goal in double overtime, unadulterated joy overtook three of us… The fourth was an Argentinian fan. Many shots were had, high fives exchanged, terrible dancing occurred, screams utter, and tears shed.

The other German fan of our group [Not my boss, that would’ve been more of an awkward turtle] even tried to kiss me. I just chuckled and pushed him away before he could plant a smooch, which made the table erupt in laughter. I could tell my friend was slightly embarrassed, but we all brushed it off because we were all intoxicated by this point in the game.

Beer only naturally turns into hard liquor and shots can be had for any occasion. Goals blocked, a good play, a solid attempt, opposing yellow cards. We even started taking shots every time Schweinsteiger was injured because we were convinceded shots were somehow sending him good vibes, which should give an estimation of our non-sober state.

We continued to smoke and the guys were going to go outside to have a cigarette. Since the pub was packed at this point, I knew I should stay with the table so it was not overtaken by another party. However, the friend that attempted to sneak a peck decided to drunkenly vocalize I should stay with the table and embellished it.

Watch the table, you bitch.

I know he was joking, he even sounded awkward and hesitant when he said “bitch”. However, I do not even recall thinking about happened next. It was almost like a primal instinct when my fist collided with his jaw. I was mortified when I saw blood trickle from his lip. I did not even think of raising my hand to him, I guess the drunken stupor and anger was a natural combination for getting physical with a male twice your weight and a foot taller than myself.

I also doubt I would’ve had such a reaction is 1. I was sober 2. He used any other adjective other than “bitch”.

I can take a joke. I also will also admit I horse around with my friends and I believe if you can “dish it” then you have to be able to take it as well. People can joke about my looks, intelligence, stoicism, etc. Perhaps it is my “crazy inner feminist”, but I do not tolerate being marginalized for being a woman. Especially since “bitch” is rarely ever used except in a derogative connotation.  

This is also the closest I have ever come to getting kicked out of a bar. Two waitresses were doing rounds together when they saw me clock him. He defused the situation, stating everything was fine so I was allowed to stay.

Job Opportunities: What Exactly is Below the Bible Belt?

As a female and as someone from a low socio-economic status, I always felt my like my life had two paths: Career or Family.

I am not saying I could not be both, but it is extremely hard for someone like me to fulfill the roles in a way that I want. I invested so much money, sweat, and tears into my education and the career I am in now. If I invest anymore into either, I know I would be more professionally driven. This means I couldn’t be the wife and mother I would want to be. Hell, I barely have the energy to make myself more than a grilled cheese for dinner most days after work.

There is nothing wrong with choosing one or the other, different things are right for different people. I think I am beginning to see I will live a more professionally-driven lifestyle. I do not want to be defined by my job, but I want to love my job. I definitely am not in love with my current job, but I love my environment [Co-workers, strictly speaking] and I am really progressing at this company, especially for how young I am.

I have let myself get a bit comfortable since I finished undergrad, taking a break to relish in my accomplishments, but finally making a concrete decision to fight through the professional ranks has made me begin examining next steps in my life. I honestly do not really know what I want to do when I grow up, but I doubt I will figure it out without moving forward.

This morning as I was sardined in a rush hour subway car, I got an unusual text from an uncle. I really do not talk to any family other than my mum, so communication with family is just strange in itself. He is a successful local artist and an art professor, a college he used to work at was looking to hire someone with my qualifications. I was always more creative and the position was more within my major, plus college would be less cut-throat than working at a law firm.

He peaked my interest. However, the job would require me to move to Tennessee.

I am not against re-locating, the idea of moving have to Europe has become more appealing as time goes by. It is just a big change and an unexpected opportunity. Not to mention, Tennessee is just so different than Chicago.

I did accept an initial interview, but I am not sure how I would feel about moving to Tennessee specifically. At times, I feel like Chicagoland acts way too “red” for my comfort level, I can’t imagine a state below the infamous Bible Belt. I know Tennessee is not Alabama or Texas. Tennessee even has a few cities I would really like to visit, Nashville and Memphis. The city this college is located in is supposed to be a liberal, creative hub so theoretically I would be bufuland.

I know I am probably worrying more than I should about a job and life choice that has not even been offered to me, but I want to be comfortable making a decision in case I have to at one point.

Reasons Why I Love My Mum #23: Always There When I Am Alone

My mum and I are extremely close now, despite a more tumultuous relationship when I was younger, and some would argue a borderline unhealthy relationship. How many people will be there unconditionally for a single mother who has scorned men and a single female that is too stuck in her ways to have a romantic relationship?

However, I am extremely grateful my mum was there for me last night. I realized after work when I went to search for my subway card that I did not have my house keys. I recently had a battle with my landlord [More on that later] so I was hesitant of contacting him to admit my stupidity. I then remembered that CPA had a spare set of my keys. We had not really talked since things ended, but I needed to get into my apartment and I do not like ex-flings having potential access to place any time they desire.

He agreed to meet up with if I came out to the suburbs to get the keys, I agreed. He just left out a fine detail that I only found out after my train was departing for the ‘burbs,  he would be golfing for the next four hours so I would have to wait around for him.

I am absolutely not a suburb girl, but there is one Irish pub with good food and cheap beer and abundant outlets for me to charge my dying phone [Do not ask how one remembers a phone charger and forgets their keys]. So I settled myself at the bar, but it is a bit of a hole in the wall and has no televisions. The bartender was particularly untalkative that evening so I did the only thing I could think to do to pass the time.

I called my mum.

We had about a two and a half hour conversation. It was honestly one of the best talks I have had with my mum in a while.

I do talk to my mum pretty regularly, but usually shorter conversations and there is nearly always some sort of distraction. When I do physically hang out with my mum, which is infrequent, we are comfortable with silence and focus on projects that need to get done. This was the first in-depth conversation my mum and I have had in a while. We talked about the spectrum, I even found out some new things about the family [Also another story for a different day].

What really meant the most to me though was my mum took the time to talk to me for nearly three hours. She received a random call after a long day of work from her kid that was drinking at a bar and she dropped everything just so I was not alone.

I love my mum.

How to Deal with the BBB
  • Me: I am so sick of dealing with all these BBB complaints.
  • Boss: Why?
  • Me: We are a law firm. Law firms sue people. We also are not the miracle workers that clients expect us to be. Everyone hates our fucking guts.
  • Boss: Maybe you should start attaching pictures of my adorable cat in all the emails dealing with BBB complaints.
  • Me: I do not think the BBB will be happy until we start offering human sacrifices.
  • Boss: Maybe let’s start with the cute kitty pictures. You are speaking of a lot of bloodshed.
  • Me: I don’t know. How many times do you think we could sacrifice and revive Assistant & Dwight?
  • Creed: I am pretty sure the BBB does not want them.
  • Me: What if I make them seem more important than what they actually are?
  • Creed: How the hell are you going to get Dwight to seem more important than he actually is?!
  • Assistant: Does this mean I have more merit than Dwight?!
  • Me: Never, you two are equals. I figured if we just somehow block Dwight from ever speaking then he will not sabotage the whole perceived title thing we have going on.
  • Creed: He gets a lunch break, there are 30 minutes of Chef Boy-Are-Dee time we cannot control him.
  • Me: I am not opposed to maiming Dwight in more ways than one... The real question is, who do we sacrifice first? I am thinking assistant, he is more worthless.
  • Boss: Stop! We are not sacrificing anyone, cute kitties all the way!
  • Assistant: In your face!
  • Me: Assistant, just because I can't sacrifice you doesn't mean I can't fire someone who is not doing their job!
Nice Guys: Girls Who Walk Away vs. Girls Who Are Too Late

I had a guy recently talk to me that I was that girl for him.

We had been friends for a few years. We went to college together, he began talking to me in class because we were the only immigrants. Myself from Germany, himself from Mexico. We ended up being in the same dorm building so we began hanging out in the common area and despite his best efforts, he was never quite able to teach me how to play FIFA on the Xbox.

We talked pretty regularly up until a few years ago, once the incident happened.

We had always been platonic. I draw a pretty harsh line between male friends and romantic partners. I do not like blurred lines. We had gone out to dinner plenty of times before and even went to a few weddings as +1. One wedding was different, however. We both stumbled clumsily through a night of bachata. At the end of the night when we got into the car, he tried to kiss me. I did not reciprocate. I was willing to throw it up to one too many drinks, but I guess there was more honesty behind the kiss than I knew at the time because we never quite talked as much as we once did.

He invited me to his birthday party coming up in a few weeks. When I began discussing the plans with him, that’s when he made the confession. I think he was expecting me to be regretful. Once again, I disappointed him.

Yes, he is the quintessential “nice guy”. I do think he is physically attractive and we always have fun when we are together. While most of my guy friends I do not see any romantic chemistry with, this guy could perhaps be the exception. Even in the realm of ifs and buts, I do not regret turning down the “nice guy”.

Firstly, because he is my friend. I value this relationship I already have with him. Yes, it is not quite the same. That is on his behalf, not mine. We also still talk to each other, something we would not be doing at all if we were a failed romantic relationship. I would be sad if I completely lost him. I am not at a place in life where I am ready to have a romantic partner so why would I subject a “nice guy” to my own insecurities / emotional unavailability? Which is my next point…

Secondly, I am not ready for a romantic relationship with anyone. Yes, the “nice guy” may be hurt for the moment at being rejected. Would it not hurt more if I used the “nice guy” or dragged him through the chaos that is momentarily my life? I am at a point in my life where I could tell someone it’s me, not you in complete honesty.

I think a lot of “nice guys” feel victimized for being discounted, but sometimes the case is that the girl just is not ready. It is not an expectation for a guy to wait around until she is ready, no one has a right to request such a thing. However, I will not be guilt-tripped for denying the “nice guy”. Sure, certain guys like Ted Mosby do not happen every day, but no matter what anyone tells you, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Maybe someday I will feel differently and I will regret denying the “nice guy”. Life presents us many paths, many relationships, and many choices. We all have to make decisions. While some are tougher than others, I would find it hard to feel regret rejecting the “nice guy”; making a life choice.

  • Creed: I was in a deposition, who won??
  • Me: Germany basically anal fucked Brazil for 90 minutes and made them scream "daddy" the entire time.
  • Creed: I figured, I heard Dwight cheering. I thought you would be louder.
  • Me: Assistant has been running around my office in a Neymar mask, screaming obscenities about Germans and women the entire 90 minutes. I had to use most of my energy not to give him the same injury as Neymar.
  • Creed: Assistant... Just tries to be odd.
  • Me: He needs to find a new fucking hobby.
  • Creed: Well he has to do something when he is not out grabbing everyone's lunch.
  • Me: I give him projects to do constantly, he just whines and doesn't do him.
  • Creed: Well, you are a woman.
  • Me: What the hell does that mean?!