I was tagged by the wonderful PetitePhysicist
A. You can ONLY answer Yes or No.
B. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks — Copy and repost, delete my answers, then type in your answers.
- Been arrested? No
- Kissed someone you didn’t like? Yes
- Slept in until 5 PM? No
- Ran a red light? Yes
- Been suspended from school? No
- Experienced love at first sight? No
- Totaled your car in an accident? Yes
- Been fired from a job? No
- Fired somebody? Yes
- Sang karaoke? No
- Pointed a gun at someone? No
- Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Yes
- Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
- Kissed in the rain? No
- Had a close brush with death? Yes
- Seen someone die? Yes
- Played spin-the-bottle? No
- Smoked a cigar? Yes
- Sat on a rooftop? Yes
- Smuggled something into another country? Yes
- Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? No
- Broken a bone? Yes
- Skipped school? Yes
- Eaten a bug? Yes
- Sleepwalked? No
- Walked a moonlit beach? Yes
- Rode [on] a motorcycle? Yes
- Dumped someone? Yes
- Lied to avoid a ticket? No
- Ridden in a helicopter? No
- Shaved your head? No
- Made your boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Yes
- Eaten snake? Yes
- Marched/Protested? No
- Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? No
- Puked on amusement ride? No
- Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? Yes
- Been in a band? No
- Been on TV? No
- Shot a gun? No
- Skinny-dipped? No
- Gave someone stitches? No
- Ridden a surfboard? No
- Drank straight from a liquor bottle? Yes
- Had surgery? Yes
- Streaked? No
- Taken by ambulance to hospital? No
- Fainted? No
- Peed behind a bush? Yes
- Donated Blood? No
- Grabbed an electric fence? No
- Eaten alligator meat? Yes
- Killed an animal when not hunting? No
- Peed your pants in public? No
- Snuck into a movie without paying? No
- Written graffiti? No
- Still love someone you shouldn’t? No
- Been in handcuffs? Yes
- Believe in love? Yes
- Sleep on a certain side of the bed? No
I am a statistic of the average Western female. It is not enough to have my health and all my limbs, I constantly grapple with not living up to an unrealistic and plastic beauty standard. Even though I appreciate having the ability to be alive and healthy, I even know how ridiculous the USA’s beauty standards are; but I cannot help feeling inferior.
I, like the majority of the female population, just learn acceptance and live with the faults.
However, for the past few months, my sex drive plummeted along with my self-esteem. While my confidence has shaken in the past few years since one particular ex butchered my personality and aesthetics during the break-up, but my self-esteem has been much more fragile later. I just haven’t even felt mediocre, let alone pretty. I have mastered the art of ducking out of group pictures and avoided mirrors like the plague.
Today is different though. I glanced at the mirror while brushing my teeth, despite 2nd puberty pimples attacking my chin and sleep deprived from too much alcohol & out too late, I realized I was not ugly. In fact, I bet someone might even think I am attractive!
This self-esteem boost actually has a lot to do with last night and interactions with a ghost from work horror past.
My last job was at a nightmare-ish law firm, they were actually sued for employee neglect and fined by OSHA [No one ever said lawyers are smart]. I have reconnected with an old co-worker via Facebook and have been chatting casually the last few weeks. At the time, he cared way more about his fantasy football league than accomplishing actual work, but he was always a nice guy.
When I am out at the bars though, I feel a hand slighter around my shoulders. I immediately look down, anticipating it to be my 4’9 roommate, but I am thrown off when I notice I am staring at all leg. Once I peak u to see a tall, lanky redhead; it still takes me a moment of actually register who I am seeing. It was my former co-worker. Even though we had been chatting, we never made plans to actually hang out or talked about the possibility so he did not even see real.
Things had changed, we are both out of school. I am working in downtown Chicago, he is a partner at the nightmare law firm. However, he still seemed like a rip in time. I still could see him as the socially awkward, skinny kid whose life revolved around baseball in undergrad even as he leaned up against the bar, sipping gin & tonic and sporting a suit that costs more than my rent.
He is still as awkward as ever, but his good nature always shines through and we both had liquid courage within us. I initiated the flirtation and, as trivial as it may sound, I thrived off of his reciprocation. At no point in time did he tell me I was pretty or anything, I just began feeling confidence ripple from me which has not happened in a while.
I even have ambition to do things today; exercise, clean, etc.
Oh yeah, and we kissed. And we have a date for later this week. And yes, I am basically feeling like a giddy 16-year-old that just got asked to prom by the quarterback.
I know that I am a borderline compulsive neatfreak… But what someone in this household does to the bathroom is absolutely disgusting!
I cannot figure out whether it is my room or the undesired 2nd, freeloading roommate; her boyfriend.
I have to constantly sweep because the bathroom is always caked in dry mud, which someone would have to track up to the 2nd floor, our breezeway, kitchen, and living room. Blue toothpaste spit also covers every possible surface of the sink. Some also is incapable of aiming with their booty because poo stain are always all over the toilet seat. How does that even happen? No Earth poo defies gravity!
I will give my roommate some credit, she has been helping around the apartment more AKA she is finally doing her own dishes.
The very few dates I actually get asked on are never ordinary people or ordinary circumstances. However, I have been asked on 3 dates lately, which is a record in itself, but they have all been circumstances I have never encountered. All three have been from guys that have openly told me at one point in time that they are too good for the likes of me.
It is really interesting how differently people treat you once you start looking less awkward and get a nice job with a nice wage. I mean the answer to these date requests were obvious…
… But I am still so amused they happened! I am also glad I had the confidence to turn them down since I used to basically say yes to anyone who asked.
1. Community College Jerk. We were both campus tutors and we were both honor students, but he never saw me as an equal. He came from a background of extreme privilege. He was born in an underdeveloped country, but he was part of the royal family. I tried to be civil because I know being an immigrant can be tough, especially if you do not have a strong support system around you, and he seemed like he could be an interesting friend.
I was completely wrong. He is a misogynist and blatantly rude. I ran into him at Walmart when I was visiting my mum. I always tiptoe around the public of my high school town because I am afraid of who I will see. I cringed as soon as I saw him and knew I could not avoid.
As soon as he stated he would “consider” me now that I “finally hit puberty” and “kind of not a professional screw up”, I did not even honor his proposal with a response. Absolutely fucking not, Kiwi!
2. College Club Jerk. I was active in an international business organization in uni. The president was a self-entitled prick from a wealthy suburban family that never worked a day in his life. He liked degrading the “lesser people” on the social hierarchy and made terrible remarks to the works at our international business locations. Of course, I was basically a walking joke to him as a broke immigrant working full time in college.
Ever since I have been successively working in the white-collar industry, I have gotten drunk texts from him time to time. Particularly when he has broken up with one his Barbie girlfriends. I saw him at an old college bar for a friends birthday and he tried to lay the desperate rebound moves on me. Absolutely fucking not, Kyle!
3. Office Jerk. This one absolutely took the cake! He is the biggest jerk I ever had the consequence of knowing. He is another absolutely self-entitled prick from a wealthy suburban family that was constantly belitting everyone around me! In this office, I was a manager of legal assistant and he was my subordinate. He never worked and he never got in trouble every time I wrote him up because his daddy was a politician. It wasn’t just that he was a slacker, but he made every single girl in this office cry at some point because he would rip apart their appearances. Some girls I had to console in the bathroom on a daily basis.
I initially bumped into him at Cook county court [Myself doing trial prep, trying not to giggle when I saw he was trying to get documents file stamped]. I will totally admit I bragged about my life, especially since I was in a position of power for the first time. Oh, you know, I make way more than the average attorney starting out and my boss is paying for law school and I work in downtown with a partnership offer. He is just some lowly associate with no real prospects still working at the law firm because he can’t find another job.
As soon as he asked me out on a date, I literally had to stifle a laugh. Absolutely fucking not, Colin!
It seems like this entire weekend has consisted of telling myself no more drinking and ending each night satisfied I was able to make it home. Consequences of being young, no? However, I do know I need to start cutting back on how much I intake because my body is starting to suffer the consequences.
I still have not had a hangover [Those German genes], but I feel like I liquor has seeped through my skin and the sour whiskey stench is radiating off my body once the sun rises.
Friday was the only scheduled drinking, a fiesta for a friend turning a quarter century.
Saturday I ended up going to Oktoberfest / charity event for a school my friend was recently promoted to dean. I thought this is fine, this will be conservative drinking. Oh no, what it actually meant was the dean of the school and I would proceed to drink and take over the bouncy houses once the children left.
Sunday, I was beaten by the fairy of luck because I received a free Riot Fest ticket [And I did not even have to do any sexual favors!]. This was a long day of Silverstein, Drop Kick Murphys, Bring Me the Horizon, Weezer, the Cure, etc. It was an amazing experience and the first outdoor festival I have attended that had quality sound systems. However, it also meant a long days of wells shots and I didn’t get the chance to eat at all that day.
Still not hungover, but definitely feeling worse for wear, I dragged my corpse into the office today. By 9 AM, my boss declares we will have a bar outing in the next two hours to “discuss my escalated litigation files” AKA He does not want to be anywhere near the office and he wants day drinking. I groaned as I choked down a few Three Floyds with my boss.
Roommate: What are you doing?
Roommate: No, what are you watching?
Me: O, haven't you ever seen It's a Wonderful Life?
Roommate: Yeah, but it is September...
Me: This movie is in for every season!
Roommate: And you wonder why you are still single.
Me: ... I am an adult, I do what I want!
I am very fortunate that the close friendships I have created during college & work are mostly living in the same area of Chicago. There is bar between us all that makes a cheap and dirty martini so we set one day aside a week to all meet up and catch up.
It’s honestly been my favorite day of the week, I love that I am still able to maintain connections with these people despite all the change that has happened to all of us individually.
The only issue is that is no longer an us event. It has slowly progressed to a couple meet-up.
I do not hate any of my friend’s significant others, though I like some more than others. I also have no qualm about being the “third wheel” or hanging out with my friend’s partner, especially when I know my friends want my approval. However, my friends are no longer individuals, they have chosen instead to be a “we”.
I cannot remember the last time I had an actual conversation with any of my friends.
I only have these few hours once a week to interact with some of my friends. Now the last of the tribe has found a romantic partner so now I stare awkwardly across the table at 8 couplings as they talk about brunch, movie nights on Friday, planning double dates, etc. I eagerly order cocktails or try to find an excuse to miss ritualistic martini night to try to ease my discomfort.
Tonight was extra special because after about two hours of being belitted as the cat lady or my weekend plans were deemed unimportant since they did not include a date night, I decided to duck out early. There were many protests that they had not gotten to speak with me at all.
However, my roommate and her boyfriend stumbled drunkenly into the apartment at 3am. I got up to investigate the noise and found out that couples make twice as much drunk vomit as well.
I guess this is all part of growing up!
So I attended my first law school visit, at the prompting of my boss and also paid time away from to attend the visit… And it honestly was not as bad as what I had been dreading in my head.
I initially had the tour by a young guy, fresh from undergrad and never having worked a day in his life. He was informative about the college, but I had to stifle giggles as he tried to impress me with his “extensive” legal knowledge he got from dropping $40k annually at this school. I fought the urge to tell him sweetheart, I’ve been drafting legal docs for 3 years and trained people that are not as evolved as chimps to do the same thing.
However, I met with an advising counselor that was a retired attorney and he held the answer for a lot of the reservations I had about law school.
As I’ve stated before, I ended up in the legal field as a fluke and my conscientiousness has taken me farther than anticipated. However, I hate the blatant injustices. I hate trials. I am not confident or stern enough to strike deals.
So it was nice hearing there were other options like contract review attorney’s and litigation research, all of which that involved trial. In fact, trial classes are not even a requirement for graduation at this law school.
It was nice knowing I had options.
It was also nice because for the first time in a while, once I walked out of my law school visit, I finally had a moment of clarity. Law school was not some muddled dread tucked in the back of my mind that I been afraid to touch. I had viable options, I knew what law school was and was not, and I knew it was an option.
Law field is still not my ideal choice, however we all cannot be free spirits. I doubt many of us are, reality does not always let us follow our hearts. I also know I could support my family as an attorney.
I am still weighing my options, I am even writing a business plan to see if my pipedream job is even realistic. I definitely still have no clear answers of what I want to be when I grow up, even at 23, but it’s nice knowing I have options.
The last romantic partner I had I know was unhealthy, but I suppose he came into my life at a time where I already felt control slipping away from me, as we all tend to do in transitional periods of life. However, my transitional period after graduating undergrad was not handled extremely gracefully between having to care for my sick mum and finding a job.
The relationship was not healthy for either of us, but I suppose I viewed him as the only stability I had at the time. However, he was not respectful of my sexuality and was always forcing himself on me, trying to alienate me to think I was the wrong one in the situation. In situations he would force himself on me, I just remembering my body stiffening and hoping for it to be over soon. I couldn’t bear his touch for weeks afterward, even hand holding.
The last time he forced himself on me, despite my repeated refusals of his advances, I just stiffened and prepared for what seemed inevitable at the time. I was so completely dry and I remember as he forced himself in me, feeling something inside myself ripping and blood welling within me. I had kept my eyes shut, as I always did, and he tried pulling my eyelids open in a fit of frustration.
The moment I saw him, I was flooded by some sort of unnamed emotion. I still do not know exactly what felt, or even what I feel now, but I knew I was at my breaking point. I pushed him off me and just began screaming. He seemed frightened, never had I fought against him. He tried to offer physical comfort, but I just screamed at him never to touch me again. He seemed hurt and while I cannot hold my past against him or the tidal wave it would produce at this very moment, but he should know better than to treat any human being this way.
This happened months ago and I am struggling because I do not feel like myself, or at least who I wanted to be. No one wants to feel like their insecure 16-year-old self. However, I notice that I am feeling things I have never quite felt before.
No sex drive. No desire for intimacy. Avoiding relationship building.
I have not even been able to build myself onto going out on a date. I do a ritual martini Wednesday with my friends and I was asked out on the rare date by a seemingly very nice and professional guy that was a “friend of a friend”, just the idea of any sort of romantic interaction seemed revolting.
I find myself worrying about my sexuality and the possibilities of asexuality. It is not something I had ever imagined myself to be, but maybe I am too marred at this point for intimacy and healthy sexuality. Perhaps I need time, perhaps things were awoken within me I haven’t acknowledged in years. However, what I fear it I only ever acknowledged my past issues with intimacy / sexuality and then buried them.
I don’t know how capable I would be to confront all those demons again and find what is right for me.
Since I am accomplished academically and professionally, I think people pay less attention to my inadequacies even if I feel like they are glaring me right in the face. I want to feel “normal”, even though we all know that is a façade. I suppose I just want to have a sense of happiness, how everyone else seemingly manages to find their own.
I saw a glimpse of it once, and even confidence. Hopefully I can find it again.
I try not to write too often when regress to dark places within myself. They are infrequent and fleeting. I am also at a much better place than I have ever been in life and I am grateful for all I have & accomplished. However, I have not felt quite myself lately and I feel rooted in a place I have never quite been before. I am also feeling things I have never felt in a very long time and also something I thought I had gotten over a very long time ago.
I struggled with my sexuality a lot as I grew up, I always have in some form or another.
I think sexuality is always an awkward topic between a parent and child, the lack of desire to acknowledge a child has sexuality and the discomfort from knowing how your parents had you. No one wants to talk about it once puberty hits, but avoidance is also unhealthy.
I was definitely a product of my environment.
I still have never talk to my mum about sexuality, even at 23. She just tried to awkwardly talk me into getting onto hormonal birth control ever since my first menstrual cycle to avoid teenage pregnancy. I also came from a family with conservative religious overtones where sexual desire was denied and also the confusion within my own family since everyone whispered about my having these so called “affairs” since before I was born, but I never understood because it was never explained to me.
And, alas, one of the major contributions to my sexuality discomfort has been sexual abuse.
It is something I have mentioned on this blog before, but I do not believe in depth. It is not something I dwell on because it something I had struggled with and I had overcome for some time… But now I am wondering if I was only successfully to avoid it for a number of years and never quite dealt with the core issue.
I was sexually abused by my father for a number of years. It is actually one of the first memories I do have. My father was always absent for extended periods of time, mentally unstable and a substance abuser. The sexual abuse continued off and on the entire time. Once my little sister was born, he used to make me choose… But it was obviously not much of a choice.
My mum has always been strong and independent despite every bad thing life had dealt her, but I do not think I have ever seen my mum truly heartbroken until the Christmas before I turned 16 when I sat by the holiday tree and sobbed to my mum everything that had been happening with my father.
The teenage years and high school are awkward for everyone. I did not go on a date until I was 20 and did not lose my virginity until then. I felt so developmentally behind in romantic relationships than my peers and I was so uncomfortable just being around men for the longest time.
As much as I fought against being a statistic, I know I got into romantic endeavors with men that treated me no better than my father. I did not even have sex for years on end because I felt so disgusted by myself and I was unsure what moral implications I wanted sexuality to mean to me.
I do not think I was ever fully comfortable with my sexuality until a year or two ago. I became confident, someone outspoken about my own personal kinks and a huge advocate for healthy sexuality. I began to seek out what I wanted in a relationship, which is something I had been afraid to do for a long time.
However, I almost feel like I am 16 again and I honestly have been feeling a little lost over the last few months…
I have always cycled a bit between having a high libido and then waning for periods of time. I was hoping I had just been a lull for a while, but my sexuality just seems completely drained and it is a bit unnerving.