I Just Want Back in Your Head

I knew I shouldn’t have, but I did. I had been so good at ignoring CPA since the blow-up on my birthday. After all the stress and issues with my current apartment, I have been looking for any excuse just not be at home. I needed to feel like someone was on my side. Ultimately, I responded to one of CPA’s pitiful texts that we should talk. I was feeling vulnerable. Weak.

We never really said anything was fine or that we were back to being the same ol’ sex buddies again. He just came over after I texted him that I really need a hug.

We have kind of been walking through this whole situation without actually talking about it. I guess it works for now though. He comes with me to look at apartments, he is a comforting source of warmth and familiarity in my bed again, and he helps me escape the roommates from hell for a bit of time.

There was only one red flag that popped up again that reminded me exactly why I cut things off with him. We were just at a pub, grabbing dinner and a few drinks. Everything was fine until I played with the trigger a bit too much. I am not sure exactly what I did or what the trigger even was, but it was a deadly one.

CPA had gotten nasty with me in personal spats before, but never had he screamed at me in public before. The bartender came over with our refilled pints and I felt her eyes linger on me as CPA just began to ramble. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him though, this all just felt like a bad horror movie unfolding before my eyes. As the rest of the bar’s clientele began to take notice of us, I was just trying to calm CPA down and get us out of the bar. Away from there, somewhere where we were not the sideshow entertainment for the night.

As soon as I got CPA out into the night’s air, his demeanor flipped like a light switch. He was so calm, so cool as he pulled out a cigarette and softly apologized to me that I had hit an issue that was still sensitive to him.

It was not like some small apology eradicated the issue of that night, but it was something I am willing to swallow for the time being.

I just hope this is not a sign to darker days that lie ahead. I also know my head just is not quite in the right place since I am just drowning in all this stress and overall, petty shit. I hope this reaction was not something I provoked out of him, though I suppose it is worse if it was an unprovoked reaction.

I just need to play pretend that one thing is going ok right now. I hope he is ok playing along for a bit longer too.

No Heartbreak like Apartment Woes


I have obviously been in a mad rush to try to figure out an apartment situation since my roommates have declared they are breaking the lease early.

It has been a really long last 2 weeks since I have to wait until after work to view apartments and I inevitably have to take a train back to the ‘burbs where my college apartment lies so by the time I even get home, I have to weigh the options of eating dinner super late or just going to bed to get adequate sleep.

It is also hard because I do not really know what I want in an apartment or what I am doing, all I know is I have to find somewhere to live NOW.

I had my whole apartment lined up for June, I really hate my roommates for messing up the perfect situation I had going that was just two month away. I had a newly remodeled apartment in wicker park with my best friend, Boho Chic. Now I am just nervous of who and where I will be living with.

I have so far narrowed my decision to three options.

1. Live alone in a studio. Some days I think this is the only decision I want, but I know it is impulsive and short term because I hate living alone. It is just that I am so angry at my current roommates, and with my bad roommate history, I would basically prefer the apocalypse to have to live with another homo sapien at this point in time.

2. Getting a 2 bedroom for Boho Chic and I. Boho Chic really cannot move until June [Which is why our plan was going to work out perfectly] because she currently has an internship in the suburbs and no public transit goes to where she is currently working. I have stayed with her for long periods of time before [When I was hobo chic before] so I know we can tolerate living with each other and I have basically a full apartment since I’ve been living on my own for the last few years so I would hate to have to put everything in storage. I just really am unsure if I could swing rent for a two bedroom apartment by myself.

3. Craigslist roommates. The very thought even makes me shudder. I have had them before and they all have been stereotypically bad [One of my current roommates is from a craigslist ad, Maria, the crazy one]. I have talked with a few and I know it is the most viable option since it will obviously be cheaper and they usually are available immediately. I know I do not have time to be picky… But I just really do not want to go through this whole ordeal again and plus these places are already furnished so I would have to put all of my things in storage. It just is not ideal [But neither is this situation.

I also have not really found anything I liked… Expect one place, but that is the source of heartbreak.

I found this amazing one bedroom apartment [In Ukrainian Village for my fellow Chicagoans] that I absolutely fell in love with… It was all hardwood, great location, friends in the neighborhood, utilities included in rent and I could actually afford in comfortably and it actually had potential to have a 2nd bedroom that Boho Chic could have moved in to later if she had wanted to… It was perfect.

But when you fall in love with an apartment, it inevitably means heartbreak because they never come through.

The landlord had made it sound like I would definitely have the apartment and I wanted to sign as soon as I viewed the place, but they wanted to fix one small problem with the apartment until they signed the lease. They gave me a date the contractors were coming to fix the issue and they would give me a call.

That day came and went. I finally decided to call them to inquire about it and they had already signed the lease with someone else.

I know I am just overly stressed with this living situation in general, but not getting this apartment that I loved was a definite memory in its own right. I remember the glum ride home from work on the train and just  staring at the ceiling as tears of sadness and frustration slide silently down my cheeks.

Department Lunch
  • [Boss staring at me]
  • Me: Is something wrong with me?
  • Boss: You are one beer ahead of me and you have out eaten me.
  • Me: I am small, but I am mighty.
  • Boss: You have no idea how much I like you already, newbie.
Working Girl: Small Fish in the Big Pond

So my blog is a bit of a Debbie-Downer with all the turmoil that has been happening lately with my apartment and romantic [sex] life. There is still one slice of good news that has happened to me lately… And it’s my job!

I am living the so-called “Dream”. I work in the heart of downtown Chicago, in the top half of a famous skyscraper in the windy city. I take the beloved Metra to work during rush, I still get excited seeing the approaching skyline every morning when I go to work. My collar’s white and I’ve learned navigating through the morning mob, despite my small size, to make it to work on time.

I am still working in the legal field. It’s not really the field I want to end up in, but being unemployed/desperate for cash that I knew getting into the legal hustle would be the quickest option for me since I have 2 years of experience.

… But dare do I say, I actually like this job?

The last law firm I worked for was very much a boy’s club. Old age, old money, over-privileged, Republican, and suburbia enthusiast. We couldn’t play music, not even on Ipods. Small talk & breaks were discouraged and people were reprimanded [They had been fined by OSHA for worker’s conditions]. High turn over-rate was encouraged with micro-management until someone quit because the firm did not want to pay unemployment.

I am still in litigation law, but I am on the otherwise of the fence this time working with defense. This is a national law firm for people that are about to declare bankruptcy to see if we can work out deals since a BK is not in anyone’s best interest.

It’s not that I get to be empathetic and a spokesman for the down-trodden though in this new job though. It’s really the people I work with… I never thought I could actually have a good relationship with co-workers before and strangely enough, I like all of them in some way even though I do have personality clashes with a few.

The litigation partner, my boss, sits in a cubicle with the litigation department because he wants to be part of the team and he really encourages interpersonal relationships between co-workers. He’s constantly checking up on us to see if he can help and he is always doing goofy things during the day to make sure we take extra breaks. We Pokémon battle, inter-office Mad Libs, bi-hourly Buzzfeed quizzes,  and my boss buys us lunch every Friday. My boss also emphasizes that if you finish your work, you spend the rest of your work day how you want to since it’s a reward for being a hard worker.

We often joke that all of titles in the litigation department is “Professional Best Friend”.

I think my boss and my manager must’ve known I’d be a good fit for the department because they were supposed to have three more interviews for my position after me, but they cancelled those interviews and gave me a call within a few hours of my interview.

I am definitely not going to get rich off of this job, but I make enough to cover my bills with ease, go out when I want, make student loan payment, and put money away for savings. I am not sure how long this will last since my apartment situation is questionable at the moment and I know I should be looking for a different job in the field I want… But I just like my work environment so much at the moment, I may end up staying longer than intended.

An Inevitable End: You’re Drug is a Heart-Breaker

Say It Ain’t So! [Sorry, couldn’t resist!]

As I mentioned before, the chapter with CPA has ended… Probably a little bit overdue. I can’t blame him for the mess that we became and keeping the blurred lines of a sexual relationship straight is difficult. For CPA not being a boyfriend, he is definitely the best I have ever had. He is nice, he is smart, he is sweet… And he was good in bed.

We just caught each other at a really awkward point in both of our lives.

He maybe could have been a boyfriend. However, he appeared right after I was attacked in my apartment and after Sophie & Blue Eyes tore apart any ounce of self-esteem I could claim to possess once upon a time.

I maybe could have been a girlfriend, after taking our sexual relationship slow [Sounds so backwards, no?]. However, he was still marred from his own Jodi Arias relationship and he spiraled into an unmotivated depression once he got laid-off work.

It was inevitable that things were only going to get worst for us.

CPA had two faces when he drank. The cuddle-me, emotional one and the anger one. I began only seeing the Angry Drunk by the end of it.

It started out with him just picking fights with that I wouldn’t be his girlfriend and “he was doing everything right”. It then escalated to him blaming my mum and low socio-economic status for my commitment issues. He just began getting vindictive by standing me up or leaving me at bars. The last fight, the night of my birthday party, was the fight to end all fights.

In all honesty, I don’t even remember how it started or what it was entirely about. He was screaming and blaming. I just remember lying in bed and a single tear sliding down each cheek. That’s when he stopped, trying to lay next to me as he mumbled that he didn’t realize I cared.

While he did pick most of the fights or escalated them to a nasty, personal level… I would never claim to be a victim in our dynamic. CPA needs a lot of validation and a lot of attention where I am much more low maintenance and independent, I can’t deal with a partner that is needy. My friends often mock how stoic I am, even in relationships. While I know I do have real emotions, I can understand why my friends tease me and romantic partners feel neglected… I am just not an affectionate person and I have a hard time accommodating to people that need it often.

Of course I cared, despite just being sex buddies. And I do still care for him. However, the tears were shed because in that moment I knew we… whatever we had… were over.

[Watch me as I try to play catch-up on my blog!]

My Life IS the Divine Comedy… Reasoning Below:

And you thought I was serious about being back after my last MIA session? HA! My life is a cosmic joke and apparently the cosmos have started messing with my internet connection [Caddy girls changing wifi passwords, story for a different day]. But hopefully this story will shed a little bit of light on my most recent disappearance…

Bad timing to deliver bad news: One, recipient’s birthday. Two, sender has locked recipient out of the apartment for 8.5 hours. Three, interrupting recipient mid break-up conversation with bad news.

Only all three could be happening simultaneously when I am the recipient.

I was already peeved. I had let my roommate, Mel, whom had forgotten her own keys, borrow my keys the night of my birthday party because she wanted to stay out at the bars longer. The issue was she never gave them back to me before I hopped a train out of town the next morning. While she swore to be home when I came back, she decided to stay at a friend’s and didn’t want to come back to let me in the apartment. I had cold groceries so I jumped a suburban train to a friend’s flat.

While waiting, I knew CPA and I needed to have “that conversation”, particularly after what happened on my birthday. He offered to give me a ride to my apartment once Mel began demanding I had to get home to talk now. I figured it couldn’t be anything important. The only things she values are Facebook and boys.

CPA and I were already squabbling over sensitive situations and debating the meaning of them as we walked up the stairs where Mel was already waiting for me. I imagine the other roommate, Maria, had conned Mel into being the bearer of bad news because Mel and I have a longer history & Mel avoids conflict at all cost. However, Maria should have realized there is no way for a person to calmly receive the news you are evicted in 11 days.

The landlords were not going to extend another lease to us & they would let us break it early without financial penalty [Maria caused issues previously]. Maria & Mel found a new place together. I could sleep on their couch for a month if I wanted to do so, but it wasn’t within walking distance to a train station for a girl with no transportation of her own. It also begs the question of what would I do with my stuff since all the major apartment furniture is mine. They also were not going to sublet their portions of the apartment.

I tried to appeal to the landlords, but they didn’t want anyone else moving into the apartment either since they plan to do major renovations in June. Unless I can pay the full rent, then I am out of the apartment because my name is not on the lease. I can barely eat, let alone handle the utilities and $1K in rent.

I do not think I have ever been so pissed in my life. I have just been FULL OF FURY for the past few days.

I just don’t understand why they want to move NOW. Our lease is up less than 3 months, there is nothing terribly wrong with the apartment we are currently in. We also have our own apartments sorted out for June. There is also next to nothing available for moving in the winter in Chicago because no wants to or is stupid enough to move during winter in Chicago. Not to mention that this is going to ruin some solid friendships the three of us had amongst each other.

Maria at least understands that I am pissed, limiting our conversation to the apartment. Mel still tries to be chummy, despite me telling her that “we really aren’t cool at the moment”. Mel is the perpetual victim though, appealing to me and our friends that she has no control over my eviction.

The real mystery, why am I only ever on the verge of homelessness when I am employed?

NPR Commentary of the Day: College Tuition Martyr

I come from a completely different stance when I read this article because I successfully sued my father for college tuitionas a freshman in college. It is not a topic I am proud of or that I ever bring up in casual conversation because the result is always the same… I am instantly judged. Horrible daughter. Spoiled. Lazy. Greedy.

I will argue that people almost never look at the other side of this topic, the side I come from. As I was reading through the comments of this NPR article where there seemed to be a mob forming to crucify this high school girl, I was annoyed at how everyone was making instant judgments from not reading the article closely enough.

It never said the girl was seeking for her parents to pay 100% of her tuition [And she has scholarships]. The article eludes to partying, but she is a high school athlete and active in student life. The article also never addresses the parents that allegedly abandoned their daughter. She is probably barely 18, if that, and doing well in school… I personally question the parents.

In the U.S., parents are expected to assist their children in some manner with college tuition. It varies across state, but it is a legal expectation [And I would argue it should be since tuition is so expensive in the U.S.]. My lawsuit occurred in Illinois, where a child is only expected to pay 1/3 of their own college tuition. The mother is expected to pay 1/3 andthe father is expected to pay 1/3.

I did community college my first two years, I did receive academic scholarships for my 4.0 GPA. I did work full-time all throughout college. The thing is, despite scholarships and working full-time, it is not enough. Well not enough when you are financially independent.

So how did the lawsuit against your father begin?

Any of the regular readers of my blog know I do not have a relationship with my father. This lawsuit obviously did not help our relationship what-so-ever. In simplest terms, my father is a deadbeat. He never paid child support regularly to my mum and I grew up in a working poor household. I had not spoken to my father since I was 15 after a major drug/alcohol relapse and my removal from his custody by child services, along with other familial issues that we don’t need to delve into for this post.

I did ask him to help out with college once I began community college. He merely scoffed at me. It was not all that surprising, a daughter he had not seen in years. I will not say I felt entitled, but he also had not helped my mum with the finances of raising a child that was half his.

My mum was a legal secretary at the time. So I was speaking to the attorney about the generalities of my situation. He told me I had a case. I never knew about these college tuition laws. And it also went beyond that. My father was liable to pay for one-third of all of my life expenses while I was in college. This could include rent, utilities, dorm, transportation, textbooks, buying a car, laptop, etc.

I initially just talked to my father again after finding out this information. If he would just agree to pay one-third of my tuition, I would not go to court. He had a few choice words and names for me before saying no.

So I took him to court. This was a mistake on his part because he had a high income due to a wealthy, new wife so he was obligated to pay for more than one-third of my life expenses during college in the eyes of the Illinois. He could have legally been obligated to pay for 75% of my college, but I signed an agreement for half.

I was not a bad kid, I didn’t drop out. I was on the Dean’s List every semester and multiple honor societies, participating in over 12 research projects, 9 of which were my own research projects that I presented at symposiums. I travelled nationally and internationally for my research projects and national top-ranking marketing organization I joined on campus. I was just broke. And I also would not have been able to do any of these things if I had not had [won] the lawsuit with my father.

You sued your dad, why not your mom too?

Yes, in Illinois I could have sued my mum for college expenses because mothers are financially obligated to pay for 1/3 of college tuition. I did not sue my mum and I would not sue her if I had the chance to do undergrad over again.

The answer is easy, my mum has always been there for me. My mum is a member of the working poor, one  reason I would not sue her. She also raised me though and she put a lot of her own money into doing that. She was also there for me emotionally during college, every time I was ready to cry before finals or coming home from working 3rd shift to write a term paper, and she would help me out with little things such as groceries.

In my eyes, she did way more for me than “one-third of college expenses”.

My father walked out on us when I was 3, did not pay child support, a member of upper middle class, and refused to cooperate when I approached him about college tuition. My reasons for the lawsuit are as simply as that. I was not some demon out to get as much of his money as I could, I just wanted to go to college. A lawsuit over college tuition is no child’s dream, but I would do the same thing again.

  • [CPA spills red wine all over my bed]
  • CPA: … Well if we move in together, I will buy the next mattress.
  • Me: That’s cute.
  • CPA: What?
  • Me: You think we will actually be together.
No One Likes You When Your 23

Is a birthday week even really a thing? All the same, my birthday fell on a Thursday in 2014 and that week got progressively worst with each passing day.

I was initially content with it. I do not really see anything special about my personal birthday, but I enjoy the excuse to gather up my close friends and drink ourselves silly together. I had tables at an arcade brewery locally and knew I would have fun awkwardly trying to play matches against my friends that grew up with these games. The only reservations I had was that I had to invite my roommate, Mel, per social courteous obligations. The second was her inviting her close friend and my sex buddy, CPA, whom I keep excluded from my friendship realm.

CPA and our sex buddy relationship had already been on the rocks. He took me out for dinner on my birthday as apology meal for a fight that happened the previous weekend. However, my mum called me during dinner quite upset because of things my father has said. I guess he somehow found me on the dreaded Facebook and saw I had a new job. For some reason he believes social media should allow him to break his court order we had.

I was getting upset trying to calm my mum down because I knew she was upset. I was also irritated that my father can never just leave well enough alone. It is never just that he is complaining about the court order. He also is inebriated, screaming, yelling derogatory things about my mother, always about me, and this is not even her problem yet she gets all of the harassment.

CPA insisted coming inside after dinner, his forced presence was because my roommates had a surprise cake for me. An incredibly sweet gesture and they couldn’t have possibly known what kind of phone call I just had moments ago… Just it was terribly poor timing since all I wanted to do was cry in the shower and go to bed. Instead I had to put on my game face and pretend like I was happy while making small talk and having smart phones shoved in my face.

I kept telling myself Friday will be better, just wait.

That was my actual party. I had taken the steps to block my father from all facets of my life blocking him on Facebook. I presumed my friends and CPA would respect me enough not to create issues at my party. Everything would be fine.

Which my birthday party was fun… At the beginning, at least. My close friends and I grabbed dinner at a Mexican seafood restaurant I love right off the CTA blue line. I had a Hello Kitty birthday stash bestowed upon me and the owners began giving me free shots. We pre-gamed at College Crush & Davey J’s apartment before hitting up my birthday bash at the brewery. I even battled a bachelorette at Mortal Kombat [I may have lost the game, but I still hold firmly that I am the real winner of that match since I am still single].

The Mel showed up, and CPA. They didn’t show up until midnight, which was perfectly fine with me. I had my actual good friends and bros out with me, I knew the night would be more awkward once they showed up. I was already drunk, and so were my good friends, which I knew would be a better state for interacting with them.

However, CPA arrived in a much worse mood than I was anticipating. He kept texting me, irritated that Mel was taking so long to get ready. I didn’t want to deal with his complaining so I ignored my phone until I was too drunk to pay attention. I was also getting tunnel vision at this point, only pay attention to the person I was directly interacting with. Apparently I was being oblivious to all of his signals that were screaming LOVE ME, GIVE ME ATTENTION! Then his wallet got stolen at the bar and that sealed his fate for the night.

I also keep a very strict bro policy with my male companions. The thing is, I can have male friends without sexual attraction or romantic feelings, we can be completely platonic. Mel cannot do this. She also compromised my bro code with my bros the moment she began making out with one of them at the bar. It was even more awkward the morning after when Mel thought the kiss meant true love, College Crush thought the kiss meant a drunken mistake, and I lost a little respect for College Crush whom has never made out with a chick at a bar and chooses to break his streak with my hot mess of a roommate.

I had left the party early with a few friends, one of them being CPA since he could no longer get into the bars. I got back to my apartment around 5 in the morning and I had a train at 8. I was hoping to catch a few hours of sleep, but CPA was ready for a drunken screaming match. This would be the single, defining moment that I knew we were over.

That is a story for a different post though.