- Me: Hey, I am doing the “new hire” paperwork. What is my actual title?
- Boss: Uhm… What would you like it to be?
- Me: Well am I just a legal assistant?
- Boss: Psh, no! Give yourself at least a better title than that! Make up whatever you want.
- Manager: Dark beer enthusiast? Expert H&M shopper?
- Me: Aw you know me so well already!
- Boss: Manager’s title is “Litigation Paralegal” so you can do something like that if you want to and Manager… You could be like “Executive Litigation Paralegal”?
- Me: Well if we are in the realm of making up titles, I totally want “Executive” in mine.
- Manager: Then what does that make me?
- Me: “Senior Executive Litigation Paralegal”?
- Manager: … I like it!
- Boss: All is well that ends well! So since Manager apparently got a promotion and you are now an executive, we should go out to the bars for lunch, on me!
- Me: And this is why no one ever leaves this place haha.
- Boss: I prefer not having to hire and train new ones. Thus why you get free food, booze lightly on the job, and play on Facebook the majority of the day.
Oh wait… Nevermind, she’s been found! She was no longer sleeping on her mother’s couch like the average deadbeat, unemployed college graduate where she was initially last seen. She’s now a low-level, white-collar drone that is border lining homelessness again.
Sorry for the delay! The only reason why I was posting around Valentine’s so much was I had everything queued to be published for certain days. However, I have been out of touch with internet access since December, whether it be from my mother’s inability to understand technology or a vengeful former roommate that cut the internet from my apartment.
I had been trying to keep up with writing down my blogs in a Word document, but I had been letting stress and life get the better of me as the late.
A lot of things have occurred since I have last been around. For instance, my roommates giving me an 11-day eviction notice and the conclusion of the benefit relationship with CPA. I will try to write them all the best I can from memory, but it is hard to express now what I was truly feeling at the time… One of the things I truly love about blogging, the chronological history of a person’s life.
My sister hasn’t spoken to me in a while. I understand why she is angry, sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing.
Last time I tried to call her, her grandmother apologized that my sister was still refusing to talk to me. It was good to know that she was there, she may have been mad at me, but she was doing just fine. I decided to mail her Christmas present instead of dropping it off, not completely sure if my sister was ready for the olive branch. I didn’t want to force myself on her, but to let her know that someone out in the world is thinking of her, something my sister has desperately fought for.
I felt my veins constrict when I saw the package was returned because the address was vacant and there was no forwarding address for the family. I didn’t know the family my sister was staying with well, I had only seen her grandmother on a handful of other occasions, but I had sent numerous presents and cards over the years to that address that my sister had actually received. I knew I had to try to visit the house, but when I peeked through the windows, it was just as empty as the post office had told me.
This is not the first time my sister has gone missing.
Wonder years ago when I first moved to the area and my sister was barely old enough to walk, we were living with our father. We are actually half siblings. My mum deemed me unruly and unhappy so she thought the city of my father might help me adjust better to the new culture and my sister’s mother had frequent manic episodes so that was how we ended up together.
My father is a chronic addict, either never coming home or passing out on the lawn of the apartments before he could crawl inside. So it was almost like my sister and I had the one bedroom apartment to ourselves. As rough as living with my father was, some of my best memories were taking care of my baby sister.
Eventually my sister and I were removed from our father’s custody for neglect and abuse, but we lost our common bond in that moment. I had to deal with a whole different realm of emotions when I lost this child I had fed, clothed, bathed, and slept with every night, her fingers searching for me even when I tried to sleep in a different bed than her.
I tried finding her, but it didn’t happen until years later. She was almost done with primary school. She was so beautiful and the blonde, olive-skinned babe got the exact opposite traits in the genetic mix bag than me except our eyes. We had the exact same hazel eyes. She was a sad girl though, being abandoned by nearly everyone and she almost ended up in foster care.
She has been desperately seeking to find that type of love ever since. She doesn’t have her mom or her dad. My sister’s mom had always hated me as the other woman’s child, but the last I knew was that she had been committed to mental hospital for treatment. Once I began talking to my sister again and trying to the void for her that I never could, she began begging for my father’s contact information.
A court ordered when my sister and I were removed that my father is not allowed to have any contact with her until she is 18 and then it is her choice. I had the option to have communication with my father since I was much older, but I opted not to. I still don’t know his contact information even now.
I also knew that my sister had no idea what type of horrors occurred between her mom and him or even in the apartment when we lived with him. She was too young, she remembers nothing. When thing beautiful, little girl with golden locks was asking what happened, I couldn’t even tell her then. She had already lost so much, I thought she was too young to lose more.
I told her guardian that she was repeatedly asking for our father’s contact information and to keep an eye on her. My sister was so angry at this betrayal, she never talked to me again.
And now, I am not exactly sure what is my next move.
If Blue Eyes had bad timing at attempting to pursue a relationship with me, CPA’s timing was the worst. Sophie had already crippled my self-esteem with his accusations against my esthetics and character. Blue Eyes crushed the little progress I had made since Sophie. I guess CPA is glutton for punishment because he stuck by my side and still continues to do so. I suppose he understands my predicament because he is still dwelling in the afflictions of his last relationship as well. We seek comfort in mutual understanding of one another and the scars, but CPA isn’t quite as jaded as Dogtags to think he is ready to move on yet.
I met CPA amidst a lot of abrupt turmoil. I had just moved apartments, spending regular hours at the police station as they investigated my attack at my old apartment, finishing up my undergrad degree, and also recently losing a job & a job offer. This was the first weekend I had for myself and planned to go out with friends. My new roommate, Mel, was going out with a group of her friends so I invited my small group to join her. We were just going out to local dance bars, but pre-gamed at my apartment. I didn’t know Mel well so I didn’t know her friends at all, but CPA instantly caught the eye of my friends. He was shy, but he was quite attractive. CPA’s friend was quite talkative, but I kept trying to engage CPA in all of our conversations.
CPA would talk to my friends once we left for the bar, but he seemingly ignored me. It didn’t bother me much, I came to drink more than necessary and dance excessively to blow off steam. I danced with my group of friends when CPA tried to cut in, but I instantly pushed him off when he tried to grind with me. His pride seemed a bit wounded, but he seemed more confused when I kept talking to him throughout the night. He must’ve felt the pressure from his friend that was drunkenly flirting with me because CPA made sure to isolate me to ask me out on a date. I made him nervous by how long it took me to respond, it had been quite a while since I had been formally asked on a date.
CPA was probably my first “normal” dating sequence. The first date was a nice dinner [Where he was still painfully shy, but luckily he ordered a bottle of wine] and the subsequent dates where he would kiss me at the door, limiting dates to once a week and filling the absences with countless texts. Even once we began sleeping together, he refused to spend the next morning with me. I was fine with our arrangement, but I could see CPA growing uneasy about it as I became comfortable with our non-exclusive, sexual-based relationship.
He asked me to be his girlfriend on a number of occasions, but each time I shot him down. It wasn’t easy for me to be willingly hurt him, but I also knew they weren’t the sincerest requests. He wanted to justify having sex with me. He thought being in a titled relationship was “the next step”. He didn’t want to feel like I was just using him.
He didn’t actually want a real girlfriend and he eventually realized that as well, once we finally began communicating to one another.
I know I made CPA feel more uncomfortable because he was obviously more attached to me than I was to him and I verbally told him I didn’t want a relationship with him. So I can understand that this, with a combination of his shy demeanor, were the reasons why he didn’t feel like he could self-disclose to me. Lack of self-disclosure has always bothered me, so we were just a vicious cycle of making one another uncomfortable.
I struggled with CPA for a few reasons, some I still continue to do. He likes me so unconditionally and he has treated me nicer than any guy ever had before. CPA isn’t romantic, only buying me flowers one time when he messed up, but he always pays our tab and he comes to get me every single time, even if we are going out in his neighborhood. For me… Having feelings for him was just so unnatural. I was seeking the feelings I had when I was with Sophie; intensity, passion, innocence. I know I am way too guarded to have a relationship like that again and something I came to realize later is that type of love is not necessarily right, especially when it is what I had with Sophie. My feelings with CPA were softer and gradual, but it was so much easier because I didn’t have to fight for it or with him. I also don’t have to constantly entertain him or keep him amused as I did with Sophie, which is a breath of fresh air.
The main issue I struggle with CPA is communication and his drinking. I don’t outwardly mind his drinking, he isn’t a bad drunk and I know I drink more than necessary as well. He just always has to go all out and I am always stuck the next day baby-sitting him as he nurses a hell of a hangover. His drunken state is the only way he will talk to me about issues, which is what bothers me the most. He will lie or “not tell me the truth” when I do try to talk about issues soberly.
But what can I expect? I am not a girlfriend.
Overall, I think we have been able to talk enough about our expectations and I think we are good for what the other one needs at this moment. I have abandonment issues, I just need a stable guy that treats me well. CPA also is a major help with building my self-esteem and I stroke his as well, we both have pretty strong inferiority complexes. CPA is also going through, what I coin, the “suburban quarter-life crisis”. CPA was groomed to desire the status quo, but he’s come to realize that is not what he wants and is still trying to find what he wants from life. I am slightly spontaneous and I love trying new things, CPA seems to enjoy the envelope I push.
So what are we? What we have always been: Uncommitted, non-exclusive, regular sex, and good company. But we are fairly comfortable with this now.
I do not understand girl world and I never claimed I did…
Which is why I stay out of it for the most part. I do not understand their quick judgments or the consequential actions of it. I was bred a tom boy and raised by a single mother that tolerated no room for bullshit. When I claim I do not like drama, I really mean it. I do not encourage it, I have disengaged and unfriended because of it. I surround myself with boys for a reason. Not so I can boost my self-esteem by being a sexual object to them, but because I have always been able to relate better to the bro code than girl code.
This, however, does add a complicated dynamic with CPA.
He and I met through a “mutual friend”, Mel. Friend is the term used loosely. I do like Mel, she has the best intentions. However, she thrives on drama, which is why I am unable to relate to her at all soberly. We do have fun when we go out drinking, which is how I typically limit our interactions. She worked with CPA and they typically only interacted through alcohol as well, but Mel is the type of girl that always has to have a man in her life. CPA is that guy for her.
As a bro and someone that has a predominately male friend group, I would never judge a guy by having female friends. I am not the jealous type and I do not care he hangs out with other females by himself. Especially when we are what we are.
I suppose it is just weird since all of this is through friends. I probably would not have a problem at all if I did not know Mel at all. Since we do though, she makes subtle jabs at me to make me jealous. I know this is mostly as a result of her attention complex, but I wish she would just relax since I am not challenging her friendship with CPA. I also know that while CPA finds Mel’s actions awkward, but he participates willingly so it is not like I can account Mel for all of the awkwardness.
Mel is obsessed with her Facebook page and she has always posts pictures of CPA with her. I do not care and I still do not care as the pictures have been getting more racey, despite the fact she has even taken to shoving the iPhone pictures under my nose whenever we bump into each other in the kitchen of our apartment.
She also has taken to inviting him as her date to places since she is no longer messing around with the engaged guy and she lost her last cuddle buddy. This I do not mind either, friends go with each other to weddings and birthday parties all the time.
I think she has just been crushing on him for a while and regretting she did not act on it. She also probably did not think CPA and I would keep our dynamic going as long as we did either. If she does not have romantic feelings, I would hate to think she is as petty to be jealous CPA and I are closer than either of us are really with her. She does crave attention though.
I am just tired of her bragging about the relationship she has with CPA and constantly trying to prove how much better she is than me. I am the one that has to live with her.
I do not want to affect Mel and CPA’s relationship though. I am just a sex buddy, after all. Perhaps I am subconsciously getting more attached to CPA than I should as well. I mentioned to CPA than I was not sure our dynamic was working for me anymore. He seemed disappointed, he does not want to talk about it until we see each other again. Ironically, on Valentine’s Day.
So we will see if this conversation is the kiss of death on my sex life.
I have no idea what he saw in me. I was little more than damaged goods at this point in time. Things had just recently ended with Sophie and I was struggling with pretty severely damaged self-esteem. I was also still going to school and working full-time so I really didn’t have time to cope with anything that I was feeling. I had taken to drinking more than I usually do and secluding myself the rare moments I did have alone.
Blue Eyes was another great beauty. He was imperfect though even in the first impression. His voice was unusually high for a guy [Later to find out he was deficient in testosterone] and he wasn’t nearly as charismatic as Sophie. I could smell the privileged, rich, white suburb kid on him though. It would turn out he comes from a line on millionaires, heir to a well-to-do brewery in Chicagoland.
I met Blue Eyes at liquor store [How could we have not been a match made in heaven?] He was the typical college dropout, wandering soul amongst daddy’s dollars of the suburbs. There is nothing substantially wrong with the lifestyle, it is just so different from mine that I have a hard time relating. He was working part-time as a liaison for his father’s brewery at local stores while he was soul searching. I was in the checkout line when I caught his eye. Blue Eyes came up to the counter and chatted me up while an employee rang up my order.
I bumped into Blue Eyes a few times at this store, I viewed him as no more than eye candy while on liquor shopping trips. One of the times, he quickly scribbled his number on the back of my receipt. I went home smiling, it was nice to know someone could find me attractive again. My roommate had seen Blue Eyes and was pleased that I got his number, probably more so that it was another step further to moving past Sophie.
I knew I was not ready for a relationship, I didn’t even entertain the notion. In all honesty, I just wanted good company and an attractive guy to boost my self-esteem from time to time. Also, regular and good sex. I had never had this casual sex dynamic before, but I was curious. I also knew I was already damaged and relationships weren’t in my future for a while. However, Blue Eyes was way too physical. Just because I wanted casual sex, didn’t mean I did not want to get the know individual or have a solid companionship with them.
I don’t think Blue Eyes was used to being denied. He is attractive and rich after all. He was also extremely suave, laying on the charm and compliments thickly. I know this façade all too well and it was only a matter of time before I could see the cracks in this defense. He was a victim of that “one girl”, as was all too obvious. I think he finally began to realize he would have to put in more effort than just a handful of compliments. He began to actually communicate with me and he was always buying me little gifts, leaving them at my door if I wasn’t home.
Everyone around me, including close friends, was prodding me to go on a date with him. I was still hesitant, reluctant to completely abandon my notion of Sophie. I eventually gave in and going on my first few dates post-Sophie with Blue Eyes.
Everything seemed to be going in the direction I wanted it to be. I still had reservations about having sex with him, but I figured that it would happen in time.
Until that night. The night when everything just went to shit.
Everything about the day leading up to it was normal. I worked all day, stopped at the grocery store on my way home. I picked up some extra salmon and invited some friends over for an impromptu dinner. It was going to be myself, my roommie, our mutual friend now known as Backstabber, and Blue Eyes.
The issues began when the three of them got incoherently drunk and escalated when drugs got involved. I was tired and I had to be to work early the next day so I eventually got everyone to sleep on the living room floor. When I woke up early, I made everyone breakfast. Everything seemed better, we ate and laughed for a few hours. Blue Eyes even offered to drop me off at work.
My first inclination that I was missing some of the puzzle from last night was when my roommie was texting me about how awkward my car ride must be, but refused to go in to detail. Backstabber wasn’t responding to me, but Blue Eyes was the first to make the confession to me that he had sex with Backstabber next to me on the floor that night.
It’d be a lie to say that Blue Eyes hadn’t hurt me. I wasn’t emotionally invested in him, I could’ve cared less about him. His action was just another blow to my self-esteem which was already crippled from Sophie. I was truly hurt by Backstabber. She was a close friend and I was more upset that I had to find out this information from Blue Eyes instead of my good friend than the sex itself.
The worst part of that day was because a good friendship of mine faded away the moment she began blaming me for the issue. Blue Eyes became defensive when I told him never to speak to me because “he had always treated me so well”. Bullshit. I paid for all of my own meals and he only ever tried to [unsuccessfully] get into my pants.
You know you are truly pissed when you lose the ability to speak English.
There have been numerous issues with an apartment I am trying to sublease, most of them are just a result of vindication spiraling out of control. So why am I fighting so hard for this apartment? I could use numerous reasons… I lived here before so I am comfortable with it and actually like the roommates, I already have my stuff packed and in the car to come back. What it basically comes down to is the rent is cheap and it is easier for me to be in this area so I can get around to job interviews.
The girl I am trying sublease the apartment does not even want to live here because she hates the roommates so I do not understand why she is jerking everyone around so much.
I know she is just trying to make the other roommates suffer, but she is also wasting my time as well. While I want to live in the apartment, my offer is not infinite.
The girl keeps moving back her actual move out day. We also had a squabble over cash because she wants me to pay her a full month of rent even though it is already a week into February.
So I typed up a legal agreement, since I have the real estate law background and the landlords are worthless, but the girl denied it because she wanted more money. I told her there was no way in hell that was happening. So the next day I met up with the girl with a newly typed up agreement giving her certain rights she wanted in the sublease and a readjusted rent figure since more time was passing by.
Twenty minutes before we were supposed to meet, she wanted to make more changes. I was already hot under the collar because the girl was just fucking with me at this point. I made the changes, but she refused to sign yet again. She told me she could meet tomorrow when I made the changes to the legal agreement.
I told her no, I was done. It truly seemed to shock her that I was done playing her game.
Both of the roommates had called me from their jobs and I told them I was not interested in the sublease anymore, they could have this crazy girl until June. They were not amused at the prospect of being stuck with her, but they were in vengeful spirits for messing around with everyone involved.
Everything was so simple. I had the cash in my wallet, she just needed to sign that she received the payment and give me her key. No, that would have been too simple though.
I went back to the apartment anyway because one of the roommates said I could sleepover since this agreement went so wrong. I do not cry when I am sad, I really only cry when I get so frustrated that I can’t form words so tears become the only way I can express myself.
I was crying over a cup of tea when I heard the front door unlock. I knew it could only be her. Frustration was quickly replaced by rage. I have always had a temper, I can easily admit the faults I inherited from my father, but I have always been good at swallowing it, the stoicism begotten from my mother. I have never been so angry in my life, I was literally seeing red.
I was trying to calm myself, but the girl just would not leave. I slammed the mug on the table and clenched my fists as I approached the doorway. I was shaking. Behavior that is just so unlike me. I am fairly meek and non-confrontational, the only thing loud about me is my mind.
It couldn’t be quieted this time though, I just began screaming at her What is wrong with you??
She declared that I was not supposed to be here, but I am a guest of friends. She should not be here, her things have been moved out since last week! She was just fucking with everyone!
She said she would be gone and I just lost it. I began threatening her with small claims court and attorney’s fees for the lease since her name is on it. She is an international student so I began threatening the jeopardy of her student visa with the amount of debt that would occur with a lost case and also having a misdemeanor of her criminal background. It does not matter if she would not actually get deported, she believed that she would.
I was just getting angrier and losing more control. I knew I was stumbling over my English, but I did not even notice my transgression to German. Even when I did notice, it did not stop me from continuing to scream at her in German. It also did not matter that she is an international student from Asia that knows not a word of German, I still kept going with my harsh accusations in German.
Apparently nothing is scarier than being yelled at in German, and there is not much a person can say when they are getting yelled at in another language, because she nearly ran out of the apartment.
She immediately sent me a text that she would sign the sublease agreement later that afternoon right after she closed the front door behind her.
She was still acting haughty and rude when she met with me to sign the agreement though. Do you want the money or not? So she finally did and left, hopefully I will never have to speak to her again now.
She did leave me with one last “farewell present”. As soon as I opened the door to my new bedroom, I was greeted with a blast of cold air. She had opened up all the windows and their screens in the tiny bedroom.
Oh, how to solve a problem like Sophie? A problem that haunts my memory to this day.
There were many great things and many terrible about Sophie. I do believe he is a good person and if we hadn’t been attracted to each other that we could have probably been good friends. However, he is a terrible boyfriend. Often is the result of being young and dumb. I should’ve seen also should’ve known this, but I did choose to ignore it.
I met Sophie in one of my last college classes. I noticed him the moment he walked in to the classroom on the first day. Who couldn’t? He was inhumanly gorgeous, 6’8 and chiseled and the brightest blue eyes. He was also intelligent, volunteering knowledge in class and he had good humor, even making the stern professor chuckle. Sophie was the guy girls fawned over and other guys wanted emulate.
On the 2nd day of class, he moved across the room to sit next to me, odd behavior in college-world. He began talking to me in class and he would walk with me to my next class even though his next class was in the opposite direction. Sophie was a year younger than me, Sophie = Sophomore. He seemed like he had a lot going for him though. He was already a manager at a restaurant and he didn’t party, which was a relief after all the issues I had with Tattoo Guy. How couldn’t I be smitten that one of the hottest guys on campus was choosing to spend time with me? He was the first guy I ever gave my number.
Nothing seemed to be moving in the romantic direction, but I didn’t entirely mind. I thought he was a cool guy and I would’ve just enjoyed being his friend. Besides, I was slightly self-conscious around him. As part of my insecurity around guys, I like having the control and I like dating “under me” so the guy feels like I am a prize. We tend to end up with people we think we deserve more often than not. People had taken notice of the handsome stranger walking with me to class, everyone kept telling me how lucky I was.
The first time I spent time with Sophie outside of class was grabbing coffee which ended up spending the entire day together. We shopped at the mall to buy each other funny chalices and took them out to dinner with us, then grabbed Mad Libs from a local bookstore because neither of us wanted the night to end. Everything was platonic, Sophie never even gave an inclination of flirtation with me until we began betting on stakes for losing a game. I told him he had to streak, he wanted to bet a kiss. Conversation quickly moved towards heavier things and he asked me to be his girlfriend that night. Surprisingly, I said yes. I am usually very reserved when it comes to dating and I like to hold the cards, having the guy like me more. I was really attracted to Sophie though and I thought I finally need to stop restraining myself and let myself live a little.
When things were good between us, they were great. He reminded me of who I was again. As a full-time student and working full-time in an office, plus having all the responsibilities of caring for a sick parent, I had lost bits of myself over the years. I really didn’t have an identity and I was living to satisfy others. I had hobbies and interests once upon a time… I loved music and I painted and I’d write every day. We also had amazing sex, we just couldn’t get enough of each other. I also gushed over his romantic gestures. He was constantly leaving me roses by the stairs and bringing me lunch to work and planning surprise dates.
This was mostly to make up for our short-comings, most of which he instigated. When we were bad, we were a nightmare. While we could gush over one another, we fought like no other. I have had extremely bad and violent relationships, but I never argued or fought as much or as bad as I did with Sophie. I believe in accepting people as they are, I never go into a relationship with the expectation that I can change the guy. However, Sophie spent our whole relationship trying to change me. I just nodded to every demand he made of me, even things that I would never even be able to change about myself. I mean, everyone was telling me how lucky I was to have him after all.
Our fighting grew worse and the good times grew fewer. I started noticing subtle things in him. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly was wrong. Again, I ignored the red flags. He started just getting pissed at me because I wasn’t changing in to what he wanted me to be. The sex was different, it wasn’t even all that good anymore. He also was constantly questioning me about other guys and Tattoo Guy because Sophie knew I was struggling to get my stuff back from Tattoo Guy’s mom. It was almost like Sophie was trying to coax me into a cheating or crush confession.
Sophie, out of the blue, had picked a fight with me. It was the fight to end all fights. We both screamed and belittled and sobbed. As soon as Sophie walked out the door, he was knocking less than a minute later as he begged to get back together. I was exasperated, I told him I just needed some space to breathe.
Two weeks later was his brother’s wedding, we had already rsvp-ed together. It was awkward at first, we hadn’t talked to each other since the big fight, but we slowly started warming up. That is until he dropped the bomb. He was already dating someone else. All of the sudden, everything made sense: the random fighting, the bad sex, and interrogations about other guys. He hadn’t just been dating someone else, he had been cheating.
I wanted to know why he had cheated, but I should’ve left well enough alone. There is never a “good reason” or satisfaction gained from infidelity reasoning. This would also set the stage for a lot of self-conscious and romantic insecurities I’d struggle with for a while.
I was ugly. I was fat. I was an introvert. I was poor. My family was broken. I was stupid. My sarcasm wasn’t funny. I didn’t completely shave my pubic hair. My English sucked. I wasn’t foreign or American enough. He could have never loved someone like me.
While I know these were all just excuses, each word of his rant killed me as it came from the mouth of the first guy I ever loved. Yes, the break-up did suck, but the worst part was I believed all these things were true about me. I was some creature that was completely unlovable.
Sophie also spent the post-break up fighting with me, as he did the whole time we were together. I know he prolonged telling me about the infidelity or just that he found someone new because he wanted me in his life. He knew going into this relationship that I don’t maintain any type of a relationship or even communication with my exes. He fought to be my friend. Not only was I not interested, but I couldn’t fathom why he’d even want to be my friend since he seemed to think so lowly of me. His desire to be exception only led to my ritualistic erosion of him from my life; the pictures trashed and friend requests deleted. He still tries to contact me once in a while, but it is always ignored. He continually tells me that he will wait for me to come around.
While I have had terrible relationships, I have the most issues with Sophie. I just truly don’t like him. Perhaps because this wound is fresher than ones from other ghosts of relationship past, the fact he was the first guy I was emotionally invested in and perhaps even loved, the emotional roller coaster of the back and forth of our relationship, or that his inflicted wound was the deepest. He did prove to me that words can cut deeper than physical harm.
I saw you today, which was bad enough. You still have that power to make me physically trip over my own two feet and verbally stumble over my words. This only flusters me more as every memory of you, the good and also the bad now, regurgitate in my mind simultaneously. I still divert my eyes from you, as I always have once I began noticing all the red flags, but also because you are so beautiful, as you are always. It is no longer my beauty though… And I now know that the beautiful exterior is just a façade of where your weak places are, some are actually quite ugly.
I saw her today, which was the worst. She was with you, holding your hand. I will admit she is quite beautiful. I am sure she is still self-conscious next to you, as her friends will surely me telling her that she’s lucky to have somehow scored such a handsome male specimen. I will admit I felt sick.
This was then replaced as you approached me, yelling my name and that enchanting, devilish grin rippling across your face. You speed walked towards me, practically dragging this beautiful girl behind you, her face now tainted with confusion at this other girl he was approaching.
I wanted to run, I was frozen. I wanted to tell him he is a stranger with a case of mistaken identity, I was mute. All I could do was pretend to be blind to the situation, staring at my feet. He told his new girlfriend that I am an “old friend” and introduced her to me as the love of his life. I met her eyes, I could see her searching for the answers.
I am not exactly sure what to make of my response. I owed nothing to Sophie, he has repeatedly denied or ignored my requests to stop communicating with me. I also know I owed nothing to this stranger that was now in the situation I was, once upon a time. I could not hold anything against her though, she knew nothing. I also knew if I was in her place, I would want to know the truth. I answered the question that her expression had been seeking, honesty.
“I am his ex-girlfriend. I know you are the girl he began dating when we were still together. He and I will never be friends.”
She did not respond, just gazed back at me blankly. Sophie’s previously chipper composure became gaunt. Still, what a beautiful ghost he resembled. It’d be a lie if I did not get some satisfaction out of his reaction. Perhaps, for the first time, I felt like I had control of the situation with Sophie. This was almost like it was my first stand against him.
We did not say good-bye and it seems like enough was exchanged in our mutual silence to discourage any advances from Sophie to try to befriend me. I was the first to walk away. It would be a lie to deny that I did not have a lingering sick feeling from seeing you with her. And it would also be a lie that I was not disappointed when CPA had a well-deserved boy’s night, even though I was silently pleading for you to be in my bed that night.
That feeling eventually faded, the sickness from Sophie moving on and the abandonment from CPA. Of course Sophie would move on, he always needed to have someone. CPA is not my boyfriend and I only wanted to use him to cover-up the lingering numbness from Sophie. There is a great post that really became my mantra for forgiving and forgetting Sophie. I am still not completely there yet, but whenever I begin feeling lost in Sophie, something along the lines of this post has always made me giggle at how terrible we were together.
This post is about finding love again in someone else. I have not found love again and I probably won’t for a while, whether because I have not met the right person or I am not willing to let myself love yet. I am not quite sure which yet. However, this post is also quite motivating for moving on and not being afraid for letting someone new in. Not everyone is out to hurt you, after all. I know not even Sophie had some hidden agenda to crumble part of my world when he first asked me out for coffee.
People are going to move on.
You both will, eventually.
It is also not a contest of who can move on faster. Just because they moved on first [coughSophiecough], does not mean you are less loveable, weaker, or more damaged. The odds are that if they moved on to someone else quickly after you, like Sophie becoming Facebook official with her a week after the cheating confession, it probably is only a reflection of that person’s desperation, neediness, or immaturity. Unless they somehow found their soulmate in the check-out line at the grocery store.
No one will be exactly like your ex.
And it is ok be uncomfortable with that initially.
I have gone on dates with a few different boys since Sophie. Initially it was alienating. I questioned their motive for going out with me, any hidden agenda they may have, I constantly was judging and comparing their mannerisms. Sophie was very judgmental of the things I did and desperately seeking to change very permanent characteristics of my identity. Why was this new boy listening to so much country music? Sophie hated country music. New boy is listening to Otep because I like them even though he hates metal, why would he do that? Sophie refused to music I liked if he hated it.
All love is different.
There are a million types of love, there are a million ways to express it, and there are a million different ways to be in love with someone.
When I loved Sophie, it was both of our first loves. We were innocent. While we both had suffered through previous bad relationships, we were untainted to someone ripping out your heart and stomping on it. We accept love so willing. We were both competing to love more and harder, we both pleaded to be loved more and harder… Until the devastating reality that one person can just instantaneously, spontaneously stop loving you and wanting to be loved by you, even if you still love and want to be loved by them.
One boy has told me that he has loved me since Sophie. It is not up to me to judge whether it is true or not, though I initially did. How could you love ME?! I don’t know if I want you to love my crunchy outer coating that’s formed since the first boy broke my heart! You’ve had your heart broken too, you can’t love me as purely as your first time. I don’t know if I am ok with that. Sophie was always bringing me flowers “just because” and bringing me a surprise lunch to work. You only ever buy me “I Am Sorry” flowers for fucking up.
Then I realized that this boy probably loved me because he thought I was amazing, something Sophie used to do. This boy also probably loved me because he could relate to me and what I was going through because he had been there too, once upon a time. I also realized that this boy was not the cheesey, romantic gesture boy like Sophie. This boy would drive over an hour to shovel the snow from my sick mum’s driveway so I did not have to do it. He would take care of my cat when I am out of town, something Sophie would not have done and I would not have allowed it. Sophie would have killed my cat. New boy knows my cat’s favorite treats Friskies. Cat likes the salmon flavor the best, the fillet mignon makes her sick.
I have not fallen in love yet. Though I am sure I will do that I will be guarded, I will not be completely sure how to love or how to show it, and I may question if I do actually love them since the love will almost definitely not be like anything I experienced with Sophie. That is perfectly fine and normal as well. It is easy to get lost in a new person’s love and boy when you are only familiar with the old one.
The first love will always be a memory.
As it should be. It is important to remember that are human, capable of loving and being loved. Also to remember why that first love was wrong and what you want or don’t want your next love to be like. It isn’t a memory that should be constant or suffocating, just merely existent. This is a part I am still trying to master.
Love is not everything.
Tying back in to moving on, you also do not necessarily have to be in love. You are a whole person, there is so much more to you than the relationship you have or being in love. It is important to know who you are and know yourself & what you want for yourself. I think the biggest mistake that all of us are guilty for at some point, in some way is not being exactly who we are or doing exactly what we want while we are in a relationship. If you work on yourself as a person, you will be better for yourself and the next person… Which you wouldn’t if you were in a race to find the next one.
And this might be one of the biggest reasons why I am not ready for love quite yet. It would mean moving on and growing up. The great thing about what I had with Sophie was we were so young, so care-free, and so stupid. My next relationship will probably be one of those “adult” ones where the guy prunes my vegetable plants on the balcony, filling up my Ventra card on his laptop while I am running late for work, and talk about a possible future together.
I am definitely not ready for something like that. I can say that the next love I want is something I can be comfortable with, not constantly fighting for it like I did with Sophie, and that it can definitely be amazing, even more amazing than what I had with Sophie.
This is not necessarily one person, but I think dealing with unrequited feelings is important. Both moving on when your own crush does not reciprocate or humanely turning down someone who is vying for you. I have dealt with unrequited feelings from Wall Street, but moving on was not done with grace and I let myself be kicked around for far longer than I should have. There was also a fellow tutor at my community college that was crushing me, but he eventually ended up hating me because I didn’t turn him down with grace either.
I don’t feel like until my senior year of college that I really started coming in to my own and also gaining the revelation that I don’t have to settle. There are two people that really come to mind that meet this criteria. Ironically, they are my two very best friends from my bro group, College Crush and Elie. I liked College Crush [Obviously] and Elie liked me. Neither were reciprocated.
I became friends with College Crush first. I had just transferred to a uni from my community college. I got a full-ride scholarship to a school in one of the richest suburbs of Chicago. I felt completely alienated amongst the sea of Northface and Gucci. My academic advisor recommended I try to get involved in a business organization and we happened to have a nationally renowned one right on campus. As soon as I walked in to my first meeting, I was yet again treated like an alien and asked where I got my accent from. Secondly, I noticed an extremely hot stranger sitting at the front of the room. Not only was he good looking, but he was extremely nice. He told everyone to layoff of the new girl and approached me to personally greet me.
I was smitten with him, as nearly every other girl on campus. As I got to know him more, the more enamored I became with him. Ambition is one of the sexiest qualities in a guy to me and he is one of those innately, unconditionally nice guys. He was my first true crush. I had thought other guys were good looking before, but I never dated someone I actually liked.
College Crush couldn’t have acted more uninterested or a-sexual towards me. After we graduated was when the bro group formed so I saw a lot more of College Crush. Since we didn’t have peer judgment, we would lightly flirt at bars after enough alcohol and College Crush would play the part of a boyfriend if an unwelcomed stranger approached me. While College Crush purposely avoided the topic, but it was painfully obvious that he didn’t like me
… But I was actually perfectly fine with this. As much as I liked College Crush, I loved the friendship we had together. I have never really been looking for a serious relationship and I wouldn’t want to pollute our friendship with the awkwardness of an inevitable romantic end. I am still physically attracted to College Crush, but there are some important aspects that we were completely incompatible.
Elie was the president of our business organization. I didn’t really start getting to know him until a year after I befriended College Crush and we only really became friends because College Crush & Elie are best friends. I started seeing Elie at the bars when I was with College Crush and I initially bonded with Elie because we were both into metal music so he started inviting me to shows.
Elie would eventually become the glue to the bro group, the crazy glue. College Crush and I are extremely laid-back. Elie is always extreme and pushes the envelope. We all have that one friend that just does the stupidest shit, but we love him for that. Like my father, life is never dull with Elie. College Crush, Elie, and I are the dynamic trio of the bros, we have always been the closest. College Crush and I are always going on wild adventures because of Elie… And we are constantly taking care of Elie. He is the type of guy that gets drunker than everyone in the room, thinks he can jump fire, fails at actually jumping over it, and College Crush & I Google how to treat burn wounds with a first aid kit consisting only of whiskey and a kitchen towel.
While I love Elie and I do not have a defined type of guy I date, Elie is just about every quality I would not want in a guy. Obnoxious. Lush. Unmotivated. Elie is incredibly smart and he has great ideas, but he is terrible at actually implementing them and he never can see the small steps that lead to the larger picture.
One time, Elie violated bro code, the only bro to ever violate the code against me. He was black out drunk, we were alone and I was trying to get him sober enough to drive, he hit on me, but he made sure that we talked about the incident to save our friendship and he apologized. He kept asking me to spend more time with just him and I really didn’t think any of it until he kept trying to talk to me about an anonymous girl he was crushing on. It was only then that I got a bad feeling that this girl was me.
I initially tried to avoid the topic, but I saw it was eating at Elie. I knew we had to have “that conversation”. I am not going to say that this conversation fixed everything and our friendship was peachy keen after this. It sucked having to tell Elie I had absolutely no interest in him because it obviously did hurt, I have been in those shoes before. This was so much better than not having this conversation at all and I was straight-forward with him. I didn’t do the dance of “I am not ready for a relationship” or “Maybe someday”. I think Elie appreciated the honesty and while he had to lick his wounds, he had no question of where we stood and we could continue the great friendship we had.
And we still have a great friendship, all three of us. When I was mugged, they were the first people I called, even before my family, because they have always made me feel safe. We still always take over a bar every weekend, Elie stealing beer from tap when the bartender turns her back and College Crush shaking his head as he buys me another beer. We still scare everyone when we play Apples to Apples because our rules involve loudly arguing to justify the awesomeness of our card.
Break-Up Anthem: Back in Your Head, Tegan & Sara